Hi I'm Jen, Pt 3

 Knowing I had seizures related to my period/ hormones in my early 20's of course meant having kids was tainted with some paranoia. However, it had been so long that I hadn't had any more grand mal seizures. My last seizure was a decade ago - the longest time in my life without a seizure and before I even met my husband. We're all good, right? Just a phase that had passed?


- Got pregnant - no seizures! 

- Lost that pregnancy within days of finding out (talk about hormones all over the place) - no seizures though!

- Got pregnant again - no seizures!

- Found out we were having a girl (extra hormones in my system) - no seizures! 

- Delivered a beautiful little girl like a rockstar - no seizures!

... And then about two hours later, laying in a bed holding my new baby and discussing food since we were all starving, I went into a grand mal seizure. 


I could only assume what caused that seizure. A drop in hormones? Or maybe the afterglow/ surge of bonding hormones? Eclampsia was also brought up, but I had no other systems of that. 


I just know I woke up confused, in an actual hospital room (no longer in the birthing center suite area), without my baby, and having to argue with doctors that wanted to drug me up. The exhaustion, the confusion, the aggravation of having to explain my history while being treated like some sort of inexperienced idiot - Ugh.


No, that medication didn't work for me before. 

No, that medication won't be safe for me to breastfeed. 

No, I don't need to be loaded with anti-seizure meds/ my previous seizures were all one and done for a month.


I declined and refused their suggestion for anti-seizure meds. I believe we compromised on some sort of muscle relaxant for 24 hours (I was insistent on something that would not affect breastfeeding) and also consulting with a neurologist when discharged. 


I will say those 24 hours on meds were so upsetting. Aside from facing the fact I just had a grand mal seizure, I wasn't with my baby. They did bring Darling in for breastfeeding and the super sweet midwives checked on me as well, but I was mostly in a hospital room alone. Some family members came to visit me, but I was so doped up from the meds that it's hard to remember ... and a lot of people met my baby without me there, which still hurts to think about. Also, by the time I was off the meds and back with my baby, our allowed hospital time was just about up. I had been robbed of all that time to bond, learn, ask questions, get sleep while there are still professionals around to help, etc. 


The consulting neurologist in the hospital was wonderful. He is actually the one I followed up with and he was comfortable with just sort of monitoring me (no meds). We had frequent check in's and follow-ups. We also agreed to me not driving for my postpartum period (which is ridiculously short in the USA) and re-evaluating after that. Since I had come home with no seizures, started breastfeeding with no seizures and passed those first couple of weeks with no seizures, my license was never officially revoked. 


To date, that was my last seizure and hopefully remains the case. It created this open-ended possibility though, I feel. After a decade of being seizure-free, I was just starting to feel comfortable and confident/ less afraid of things (am I too close to the counter if I fall? What would happen if I seize halfway up that staircase? How will I work if I lose my license again? etc). It feels like this constant state of anxiety looming there now with no time frame or situation being an end marker or in a "safe zone".

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