Daring

When Daring was born, I'm not going to deny there was a whole bunch of fear. 


There was the fear I'd have him in the car - Hahaha! Baby #1 was so fast, she almost was... So I felt like there was a real likelihood of this happening with baby #2. 


Then there was the personal fear that I'd seize again. In my last trimester with Daring, I started pregnancy/ baby safe anti-seizure medication in the hopes of avoiding another seizure after giving birth like I did with Darling.


But he arrived safely, not in the car, and I didn't seize - all was wonderful. What a big, beautiful baby he was. Just perfect!

Daring was born towards the end of May and in the first week of August, I woke in the middle of the night as a new mom often does. Daring was in a crib attached to my side of the bed and I remember looking at him, realizing his eyes were open and things went a little like this: 
I thought "I don't think he's breathing"
I put my hand on his chest.
I put my hand on his stomach.
"He's not breathing"
I stopped breathing.
"He's definitely not breathing."
And then Daring took this huge breath in.

Now, this all happened probably in fractions of seconds, but it felt like a lot longer. But he breathed and I just sat there questioning myself. Maybe he's fine. I mean, he is breathing. He's fine. Maybe it was just shallow breathes in his sleep?

But then he did it again!

I was awake for the whole thing. Daring was awake too, so it wasn't like shallowing breathing or an in his sleep/ apnea type of thing. His eyes were open and he looked terrified - like he wanted to breath but couldn't/ this was not him holding his breath by choice. My hands were on him, I remember pushing on his chest a bit and I woke my husband. As I did, Daring took this huge gasping breath in and my mind was just racing. What the actual heck?!

I can't remember if he did it a third time, but I know Daring did it again while I was on the phone with 911 because my husband was freaking out. I remember him saying "He's having a seizure" But by the time I go to them, Daring seemed fine. So I assumed Daring breathing again, gasping and sort of shaking himself out of it was what my husband had thought had been a seizure.

I'm going to take a break because this is a lot to take in and it's not over yet...

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