Responsible

I said to my therapist (yea, let's just jump right in the deep end) the other day that there is this extreme balance of responsibility... one where I feel so responsible that I just want to jump off a bridge* in overwhelming guilt and yet, countering that, the awareness that I'm likely the best person to care (be responsible) for them since I know (to some degree) what living with epilepsy is like.


Hi, I'm Jen and I have two wonderful, awesome kiddos with forms of genetic epilepsy ... that, through testing down the line, we found out they got from me - Yup, we three share the same SCN1A genetic mutation and that's why I feel this heaviness of responsibility.


Did I know about it before having my daughter, Darling? Nope.

Did I know about it before having my son, Daring? Nope

... but the guilt is still there.


Here's some great info on the SCN1A gene mutation and what it might mean: http://epilepsygenetics.net/the-epilepsiome/scn1a-this-is-what-you-need-to-know/


I say might because if there's anything certain in all this it is that the brain is still a crazy, wild mystery machine and everyone seems to be unique. Even among just the three of us, all having the same gene mutation, we have all presented differently in our lives already.


* though "jumping off a bridge" is a reference I find myself using a lot, it's never remotely been a real thing I'd consider. I've seen what that type of decision does to those left behind and would never put anyone I love through that. If you're struggling though, reach out: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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